Remember That Time
by IceDynamiteDragonflyStars
Summary: Collection of oneshots of every type and genre.
1. Chapter 1

**Hello. Welcome to my second AF fic. (I deleted the first, if you're wondering.) So, this will be a collection of oneshots. Every one will have a different plot, genre and pairing. Today's is Artemis and Holly, enjoy! It's quite cliché, I apologise for that.**

**WARNING: The following contains cliché, overused, pointless, cheesy fluff. Reader discretion is advised. (Sorry, always wanted to say that.)**

* * *

"Remember that time when we rescued a lemur? Or the one when we battled demons in Limbo?"

"No. Sorry."

"Nothing at all?" Holly sighed, resting her head in her hands. She had been trying to find a way to get Artemis's memory back for three months now, and he still couldn't remember her, or Opal, or Mulch. He could barely remember his own parents, with just a few foggy memories. They had tried everything to jog his memory. Pictures, simulations, No1 had even come back from the moon early to try and help. All to no avail. Artemis still had no recollection of anything. Holly sighed. "Okay. I'm going to see if anybody's found any cures or anything yet.''

"Alright. I shall see you later then, Captain Short?" That was another thing. He had stopped calling her Holly. She was a stranger to him now. She walked out of the room, down the hall to the Argon Clinic's cafeteria. Dr. Argon, Butler, Mulch, Foaly, No1, Juliet and Artemis's family were sitting at one of the tables.

Holly slid into the vacant seat between Foaly and Beckett. "Got anything?"

The centaur shook his head. "Nope. So far, nobody has found any cure for memory loss. Apparently only time will fix it. You could jog his memory, but we've tried that."

Holly nodded. "Dr. Argon?" She didn't really trust the man, but he was an expert, after all.

The gnome shook his head. "He's right."

Holly sighed again and helped herself to a cheese toastie. "No1?"

"He is. His memory will be restored either by time or maybe, if we managed to recreate an important memory, he might get them all back."

Holly looked up. "Important memories... Anyone got any ideas?"

Butler frowned. "The day he discovered the People? That could work."

"It could. When was that?"

"No idea. I guess he only discovered that they definitely existed that day in Ho-Chi-Min City, but he believed in them long before that. So maybe it mightn't work after all. But maybe if we found that sprite..?''

"No. You gave her her power to fly back. She could be in Southern Argentina for all we know."

Butler sighed. "Okay. Well, I'm going to bed. I'll try and think of any other memories, and get back to you in the morning."

Holly nodded. "Night." She looked around. "Anybody have anything else?"

No1 stood up. "I'm going to bed as well, but I will call Qwan and Qweffor and see if they know anything." The others in the room gradually left as well, until only Holly was left, chewing the crust of her sandwich. She decided to check in on Artemis before leaving. She needed sleep as well. Commander Kelp would kill her of she overslept and was late again. She padded down the dark hall, footsteps echoing in the emptiness. Artemis's room was dark as well. Holly poked her head in. The Mud Boy was asleep, lying on his bed snoring quietly. Holly tiptoed over.

"Why can't you remember?" She bent over and gently touched her lips to his. Artemis didn't react. Holly sighed and walked out.

* * *

Holly was awoken at 6:14 am by her phone ringing. She picked it up, groggily typing in her passcode. (0109. Points to anyone who knows why) It was Artemis. She quickly pressed the 'answer' button.

"Holly?" Holly's heart skipped a beat. He hadn't called her that in nine months. "Holly. I remember. Everything."

"H-how?"

"I don't know. I just had a dream. We were in the gorilla cage, and you kissed me. When I woke up, I could remember everything."

Holly was grinning from ear to ear. "I'll be right over. It's nice to have you back."

"It's nice to _be _back."

* * *

**Okay, I realise it was short and _incredibly _cliché, but I felt like writing it. I hope you enjoyed it, please review!**


	2. It's a deal

**Hi! HUGE thanks to GiGi Babineaux, greenpineapple and ibliny for reviewing. And yes, 0109 is Artemis's birthday, virtual high five to everyone who got that! And a doughnut (0). That there was a doughnut, if you're wondering. **

**IMPORTANT NOTICE:**

**I will _not _be able to update for the next twelve days, because I will be visiting family in England and will probably not have access to a computer. If I do, you still can't expect many updates as I'll probably be quite busy.**

**So, this chapter will be about how Merv and Scant met Opal, and I'm pleased to say it's not as cliché as the last.**

* * *

Opal Koboi stepped out of her craft, which she had parked in front of the Argon Clinic. She was there to inspect some of her own machinery that had acted up, electrocuting one of the janitors or something. Dr. Argon rushed out to greet her. "Miss Koboi."

"Hello, Dr. Argon."

"Come in, come in."

Opal followed the gnome inside. The clinic was just as she remembered; over the top, extravagant, looking more like a stately home than a mental hospital. Dr. Argon led her into his office. Opal sat down in the plush red velvet armchair facing his desk. Dr. Argon sat down across from her in his swivel chair. "Anything to drink, Miss Koboi?"

"No. I'm on a tight schedule here. Please just tell me what seems to be the matter, I will try and fix or replace the machine, and then I really must leave."

"Alright, I'll show you. Come on."

Opal followed him down the hall. He led her into a small room to the left. A short pixie was frowning at a machine, trying to navigate the mass of wires at the back. Opal recognised the both the pixie and the machine. The machine was a device she'd created about two years ago, used to regulate brainwaves. Very useful in a mental clinic. The pixie was either Mervall or Descant Brill. She couldn't tell which. They had been on a talk show she'd seen recently. Opal walked over to have a look. "What seems to be the problem?"

Mervall or Descant looked up. "Well, Merv was cleaning this, and suddenly it just... blew."

"I see. Is your brother here?"

"He should be back from lunch break any minute."

"Well, I can't wait until _any minute, _so I'll just question you." said Opal, kneeling down to peer at the tangled wires. "What was he using to clean?"

"Uhm... Oklahoma, I think."

"I thought so. Remind him to use spray next time. I try to make these watertight, but this is an old model. I will have to take it back." She looked at Dr. Argon. "I'll have an upgrade sent to you within the week. Now I really must be on my way. I'll show myself out."

* * *

Merv walked down the hall, whistling a catchy tune under his breath. Suddenly his feet slid out from under him. With a muffled yell, he thudded onto the floor. He lay there for a second, winded. This was really not his week. First electrocution, now this. Obviously nothing serious, but he was in a bad mood. He got up, brushed himself off, and looked down to see what he had slipped on. It was a piece of paper, covered in diagrams and words in large, loopy handwriting. He frowned. What was this? His eyes widened in surprise. It was a plot to take over the world. Something about capturing a lemur... He would have to tell Scant about this.

He jumped, hearing the click of high heels against the floor. Opal Koboi walked round the corner. Of course. She was coming today, to see why he had been electrocuted. "What have you got there?" He jumped again.

"Oh, a few sketches I found. Doesn't look like anything important." Opal knew she had to go, she had a meeting to attend to, but she was curious. She looked over his shoulder at the drawings and instantly recognised her own handwriting.

"Hey! That's mine!" She exclaimed, grabbing it out of his hand.

"Oh, uh, sorry."

She narrowed her dark brown eyes at him suspiciously. "How much of that did you see?"

Mervall decided he should come clean. "All of it." She glared even more.

_He has potential, _she thought, _but how do I know he won't blab? _Coming to a conclusion, she cleared her throat. "Alright. I have decided you can help me."

"Help you." It sounded like more of a statement than a question.

"Yes. Now you know my plans, it's either that or I kill you."

Mervall gulped. "What do I get in return?"

"The Barbados."

"Yes. The Barbados. You can have it when I take over the world."

"What about Scant?"

"He is perfectly welcome to help as well."

"And if the plan fails?"

She smiled up at him almost flirtatiously. Almost. "Trust me. It can't fail."

He smiled back. "It's a deal."

* * *

**So, what'cha think? There were some hints of Mervall/Opal there, but I like the pairing, okay? Also, remember to check out my sister, PixiePeacockPOW. She just got an account today and isn't operational yet, but will be publishing incredibly random Merv and Scant stories sometime soon. (We like Merv and Scant, okay?)**


	3. Chapter 3

**Hey! I'm not dead! Sorry for not updating! It wasn't because I forgot this story, I spent the whole holiday trying to get ideas, but that was the issue: I had none. But I do now, so... Yeah.**

**Thanks to everyone who reviewed, you all are AWESOME! **

**This chapter was inspired by the song 'Lighthouse' by G.R.L. It's a great song, please check it out! Also, my deepest sympathies to them, as they've just lost a member by suicide. (The song was written in memory of her, actually.) So yeah, R.I.P., Simone Battle.**

**Finally, this is set about, say, twenty years after the last book, so Artemis is in his mid thirties, and Butler is about eighty.**

* * *

_When the night gets cold_

_And the lights go out _

_The sun is gone behind the clouds_

_When you feel lost_

_Then I'll reach out_

_To guide you home with my lighthouse_

~G.R.L.,_ Lighthouse_

* * *

Artemis had never expected this. Sure, he knew Butler was getting old, and would, at some point, die. But he had never really expected that point to come. He always imagined the two would die together in some sort of epic shooting match with a powerful enemy. In reality, it had been a rather normal day. Butler had made the Fowls' dinner and eaten it with them. Afterwards the family had called Beckett, who was now training to be a bodyguard in Japan. Then he and Artemis had videochatted Holly, who assured them all was well in Haven. The three had talked for a while, then Butler had gone to bed.

He never woke up. Artemis had come into his room at half nine, feeling slightly concerned as he was _never _up this late. After a quick examination Artemis had come to the conclusion that Butler had simply died peacefully in his sleep of old age.

As per Irish tradition, everyone with the slightest connection to the Fowl or Butler family turned up to the funeral to offer sympathy, but Artemis wanted none. It was the best way to go, they said. He didn't feel a thing. But Artemis didn't care _how_ he died. He cared _that _he'd died. Butler had been laid to rest in a small graveyard on top of a sea cliff, very near where he'd spent three years waiting for Artemis to return.

Artemis stayed at the graveside long after everyone had left. Juliet and her two daughters, Butler's nieces, had stayed with him for a while, but they'd left a few hours ago to grieve with the rest of the Butler family. So it was just him. His eyes skimmed over the gravestone.

_Domovoi Butler, _it read, _Brother, protector and friend to the People__. _Artemis had chosen the last one. It had confused everyone, but he knew what it meant. He sighed, listening to the waves crash and hiss against the rocks and lighthouse at the very edge of the cliff. In a way, he mused, Butler was like a lighthouse. Strong, bravely facing the wind and sea, never failing, for that would mean certain death. A guide, as well, ready to lead Artemis home when he went astray. A landmark, something to look out for against the sharp grey rocks, clouds and ocean. He was a landmark in Artemis's life.

* * *

**I know, it was terribly short, and sort of came out more Butler/Artemis than I meant. It was going to have Holly, but I didn't really know how to end that, so I left it with this little drabble. Sorry. However, on the upside, you can expect more frequent updates now.**


	4. Windows

**Another song prompt, woot! Today's is _Up, _by Olly Murs, featuring Demi Lovato. Thanks for the reviews! So, not much more to say... Sorry for the update gap. **

* * *

Holly's finger squeaked on the windowpane as she wrote. It was six in the morning, sun just rising in an amber sky. The air was still and frigid, with fernlike pictures frosted onto the glass. The fairy frowned, trying to write backwards properly, something easier said than done. What would she say, anyway? She could just wait until Artemis was up in half an hour, but she was under quite a lot of time preassure. She had been on a surface mission in Cork, a small city in the South of Ireland, chasing down a loose goblin, and had made a 'small detour' on her way back to Tara in order to see her favourite Mud Man, only to discover he wasn't actually up, and his computer was apparently off because his email wasn't working. Nor was his phone. Then she had seen the iced windowpane and been struck with an idea: leave him a message. After a few minutes of trying to remember which way the letter Y faced, she had the message down.

_Dear Arty, sorry I couldn't see you today, but I didn't want to wake you. I'll catch you next mission. _After at least twenty minutes of debating with herself, she had added in: _Love you._

* * *

It had become a regular thing for them. If Artemis was asleep or away, one would leave a message on the window, sometimes using frost, sometimes sticking a piece of paper on. The next time Holly came, a month later, she had a reply, neatly written on a post-it note.

_My dear Holly,_

_It is quite alright. We were on holiday in Morocco at the time of your visit and mother insisted we leave all technology behind so the family could 'bond'. We luckily arrived home at eight fifteen so I could still see your message. Maybe we should make windows a regular form of correspondence. _

_Yours, Artemis Fowl II. I love you as well. _

* * *

Their first date was not long afterwards, in Phoenix Park, Dublin. Then Blarney Castle, a famous castle in the South. Many more followed.

The first argument occurred about a year later, in, of all places, Holly's kitchen. Maybe it was because of lack of sleep, or general frustration about her sexist coworkers, but Holly was in a bad mood. Then Artemis had showed up in her hall. Then he had criticised her investigation tactics in a recent incident involving the gods and quite a lot of cheating.* Criticism had always been a berserk button for Holly, and, long story short, Artemis had been sent home single with a large bruise forming on his nose.

* * *

Holly lay in bed, exhausted. Not to mention stressed. She stared at the ceiling. Why had she painted it that colour anyway? It was horrible. She rolled over onto her side, grabbing her phone off the bedside cabinet. She clicked the 'on' button, eyes aching in the sudden bright light from the screen. She blinked a few times. March the seventeenth, 3:21 am. She sighed. Three whole months without Artemis. And as much as she didn't want to admit it, she missed him.

* * *

The next morning, Holly was called to the Commander's office. "Morning, Commander." Holly took a seat in front of Trouble's desk.

"Morning, Captain Short."

_Am I in trouble? _Holly mentally scrolled through a list of things she could have done to get called to the office. She came up with nothing.

"So, will you do it?" Holly jumped. She hadn't realised the Commander had been talking.

"Sorry, what?"

"A surface mission, Holly. To Donegal, Northern Ireland."

Holly nodded, not even hesitating.

* * *

It was raining. Holly would have been soaked to the skin if not for her waterproof LEP suit. Fields of cows and the occasional white or yellow cottage flashed by below her. The Donegal case had taken shorter than expected, short enough to take another 'small detour' to Dublin on her way back to the Tara shuttle port.

Artemis wasn't in. Holly touched the windowpane, drawing a curved line in the condensation, another mirroring it. A heart. Holly drew a zigzag line down the centre. _You win. _

A pale face appeared at the window. The inside was also covered in vapour. A curl, a line, a dot. Question mark.

_You know what I want, Artemis. A d'arvitting time machine would be nice. _

A heart. Unbroken. The window opened. Holly fluttered in, soaking wet, not that she cared.

"Hello, Holly."

"Hi. Look, Artemis- I'm sorry. So sorry."

"It's alright." He smiled, kissing her. "I love you."

"Love you too."

* * *

**Happy Paddy's day! All Irish places and buildings mentioned are genuine, look them up. **


	5. Chapter 5

**Hello! So, this update came sooner than expected... I haven't actually heard any particularly great songs lately, but I did have difficulty sleeping. Basically, I was lying awake at five a.m. on a school night and this chapter came to me. I never actually got back to sleep and had to function for sixteen hours on five hours of sleep, but hey, I got a chapter idea! **

**Also, thanks to mreader for reviewing the last chapter, I was actually going to delete it as it was utterly plotless and mildly confusing, but the review made me happy so I didn't.**

* * *

Holly hated this sort of night, the sort when you couldn't sleep for no particular reason, you just went to bed at a (fairly) reasonable time, not very early or anything, then woke up four hours later for no explicable reason. And then you lay awake, exhausted but still unable to actually sleep, and before you knew it, it was half seven and your alarm was ringing and you had to get up for work. Holly rolled over. Three a.m. Great.

_Is this normal? _She wondered to herself. _Am I the only one that gets this? Do I have a sleeping problem? Would my body not just magic away a sleeping problem? Can magic do that? _She sighed, rolling onto her back, thinking about recent missions and things that had happened recently. That mission on Mount Olympus, when some bright spark had decided it would be a good idea to kidnap Athena. As it turned out, Loki and Tezcatlipoca from the Norse and Aztec pantheons were the culprits. Unsurprisingly, given their history of kidnapping people. The two had gotten pretty beaten up in the process. (They _did _kidnap the goddess of battle, after all.) It had turned out alright in the end, with Athena actually arranging a date with Quetzalcoatl, Tezcatlipoca's much nicer brother, who was helping out on the case. And Artemis had, of course, rushed over a soon as he found out there would be actual gods involved. He had spent almost as much time asking questions as he had investigating. Holly smiled. Typical. By the end of it Thor and Artemis (the goddess), who were also helping out, were on the verge of vapourising him. Even Quetzalcoatl, who normally went out of his way to be nice to people, was getting pretty annoyed. Holly smiled. Good mission, that.

**(Guess I should explain the mythology references. I'm just really into mythology at the moment , and as it was mentioned in the first book that Cupid was Holly's great-great grandfather, I decided "Why not all the other gods too?" I'm gonna assume you all know of the Greeks, as well as Thor and Loki. And for those who don't know, Quetzalcoatl was the god of air, light, mercy, compassion, knowledge, wisdom and all that nice stuff. Tezcatlipoca was god of darkness, night, betrayal, jaguars, shapeshifting and warriors. You know, I may actually write a fic about this particular mission. Feedback?)**

Her thoughts drifted to Artemis. (The boy-well, man now.) She hadn't seen him in ages. Or Butler. Or... Anyone, really. Mulch had disappeared off somewhere shortly before the mission, probably having stolen something valuable. Juliet was, along with Myles and Beckett, on holiday in Galway. (West Ireland to you Americans. You know, the field-y, sheep-y bit that only really exists on postcards? Yeah, that bit.) She had of course seen Foaly at work, but he was a bit busy at home looking after his new baby daughter.

She rolled onto her side, facing the wall. She was so tired. Apparently counting backwards from ninety-nine helped you fall asleep. _Who came up with that? Who was so desperate to sleep that they tried this? _She tried it anyway.

_Ninety-nine... _

_Ninety-eight... This is stupid..._

_Ninety-seven... Is there a god of sleep? _

_Ninety-six... If I prayed to him, could I sleep?_

_Ninety-five... Probably not._

Three minutes later she had reached zero twice and was no closer to sleep. She sighed, pulling out her phone, scrolling through the photos in her 'recent' album. Her on the beach, with Artemis about three months ago, maybe two weeks before the Athena mission, as she called it, (she didn't take many photos) celebrating his birthday. He was to have the obligatory huge extravagant ball next week. Today was for friends an family only. She smiled at the photos. Myles and Beckett burying Mulch in the sand. (He had eaten his way out. He was the only one to not be reasonably annoyed when he got sand in his piece of cake.) Butler dragging Artemis into the water for a swim. Her racing Juliet up the length of the beach. (It had been a tie.) Holly yawned. _So tired... _She continued flipping through the pictures. _So many memories. _She switched off the phone and placed it on her bedside table, curling up and shutting her eyes, sleepily thinking through all her and Artemis's missions together. And, to her utter shock, actually fell asleep.

* * *

**So... Not the best oneshot I've ever done, but not the worst. And I have decided yes, I will probably make that fic about the gods. It shall be flipping awesome.**


	6. Hide and Seek

**God, I haven't updated in ages.** **I'm really sorry. Here are my excuses:**

**1: The Avengers distracted me. I saw Age of Ultron a few weeks ago, and kinda fell in love with all the characters. Not looking at anyone in particular, Pietro and Wanda Maximoff, Thor and Vision. And the ScarletVision ship. And Clint Barton. **

**Actually, let's just say the whole Marvel Cinematic Universe distracted me.**

**2: I had a really, _really _bad case of writer's block. I could legitimately not think of a single plot.**

**And a little warning here: I've spent the last month or so writing about red androids, traumatized telepaths and Norse alien gods, so my characterization will probably be a little rusty. **

**But if you're still reading this, thanks for sticking around. I appreciate all reviews, follows and favourites.**

* * *

"Artemiiiisssssss?" Artemis glanced up from his laptop to see Myles and Beckett standing on tiptoe to peer at him over the top of his desk. He internally sighed.

"Yes?"

"Will you play with us?" Beckett looked at him with pleading blue eyes. Then, remembering his manners (Angeline would be proud), added a "Please?"

"I have work to complete, Beckett." Which wasn't true; he had been emailing Holly, but he wasn't going to tell his four-year-old brother that.

"Then stop working. We're bored and Juliet won't make cookies with us because she says we trashed the kitchen last time and she's still getting flour out of the ceiling and we should play with you while she cleans up."

Artemis mentally cursed the younger Butler. "Sorry, Beckett. I am extremely busy as the moment." Which was a blatant lie. Beckett sighed and walked out of the room. Artemis smiled. He had gotten away.

Almost. He hadn't factored in his more intelligent brother, who grinned deviously. "Artemis, if you do not play with us, we will inform mother of your correspondence with Holly Short." _Of course he's hacked my email, _Artemis thought, pinching the bridge of his nose. It wasn't that he didn't want Holly to be introduced to his family, but he just didn't feel it was the right time to tell his father about the People's existence.

And so Artemis Fowl ended up playing hide-and-seek with a pair of four-year-olds. Beckett explained the rules. Artemis knew the rules, but his brother insisted on explaining them anyway. "So, you count to sixty, and me and Myles-"

"Myles and _I_." Artemis corrected. Beckett gave him and indignant look and restarted.

"_So, _you count to sixty and me and Myles-"

"_Myles and I_." This time he was corrected by both his brothers. He gave them a very indignant look.

"You count to sixty and _me and Myles_ (Artemis gave up) hide. Then you look for us. Whoever you find first is the counter next time. And going outside isn't allowed."

Artemis resigned himself to his fate, covered his eyes, and began to count. When he was sure they were gone, he made his way upstairs. He opened his laptop, only to find there was a note stuck to the screen and it wouldn't turn on. The note said:

_Dear Artemis,_

_I have disabled your computer for fifteen minutes. It should be easily unlocked, but it would be easier just to play with Beckett and I. If you do, we will not bother you for the rest of the day._

_Sincerely, Myles Fowl._

Artemis stared at the letter. That little- Ugh. He supposed fifteen minutes was worth it if he could spend the rest of the day in peace. And so he started his search.

He started in the twins' room, looking under the bed, in the wardrobe and behind the curtains. Nothing. Then the ensuite. The bath, the only good hiding place in there, was also vacant. Their parents' room was also devoid of giggling children. And the kitchen. And the living room. Eventually, every room had been checked and double-checked. Artemis groaned. Over half an hour had passed. He decided to check the attic. It was doubtful they could reach the ladder that led up to it, but then again one was a genius. So he got the ladder himself and climbed up.

The attic was, like most other attics, dark, dusty, cobwebby and smelled of timber. Artemis rather liked the smell. He should have brought a torch, he realized. He wouldn't find two young boys hiding in here.

Luckily, he didn't have to. A shape jumped out of the shadows. "BOOO!"

Artemis didn't bat an eyelid. "Nice try, Beckett. Now, I believe my fifteen minutes are up. If you are still bored, Juliet's still scrubbing chocolate chip off the ceiling fan."

* * *

**Alright, bad. Meh. I got it done. But then again, my old teacher always said "Quality over quantity," which I guess proves I've learned nothing. Sorry, Mrs. S.**

**I like reviews almost as much as I like budding romances between orphaned telepaths and red androids. (ScarletVision forever!)**


	7. Chapter 7

**I am back! Yes, after much distraction *Glares at the Avengers, Heroes of Olympus, summer, summer camp, music, crossovers, Hetalia, various cousins and Scotland.* I have returned to write more Artemis Fowl. And yeah, I haven't really been on the fandom these past few months. However, I have returned! Yay! And now, on with the story.**

**NOTE OF IMPORTANCE: I am now accepting prompts for this story. PM me or leave a review. All ideas will be credited and shout out-ed. **

**Thanks to all who reviewed the last chapter, it was very much appreciated.**

**And I do realize I said the same exact thing in my last author's note. **

**Also, I restarted school last Thursday, so updates should become more frequent. Yes, I said more. Being in school kind of gives me more of a schedule, while in the holidays I just slack off. **

**The website name was made up by me. Any resemblance to a real site is totally coincidental. Also the grammar in the comments is deliberately bad. You all know what commenters are like, I'd be surprised if it was even decent. **

* * *

**BusinessGossip . ie- Updated 3 hours ago. (2nd of July)**

**A New Fowl?**

_Heir to business empire Artemis Fowl has recently been spotted outside the Lourve, Paris, with a seemingly underaged young woman. Fowl, unlike many others on this site, has previously never been seen with an unrelated member of the opposite gender outside of business, despite _many _rumours that he was dating everyone from his younger brothers' bodyguard/nanny, Juliet, to trade partner Minerva Paradizo. Just who this woman is remains a mystery, but we remain on the lookout for more photos of the possible new member of the Fowl family. Fowl has said nothing on the matter._

(Image of Artemis standing in Paris, arms wrapped around a very short red-headed woman with her back to the camera.)

**57 Comments- ****_View_**

* * *

**BusinessGossip. ie- Updated 47 minutes ago. (13th of August)**

**Fowl in a Long-Term Relationship?**

_Artemis Fowl has been spotted yet again with that mysterious redhead, this time in a cafe near his Dublin home. The name of this elusive possible-girlfriend remains unknown, as does her age and nationality, although the fact that she may be underage has sparked much controversy, with some arguing that she is simply short. Fowl remains silent, although we suspect a relationship with a minor would not be the worst scandal the family has been subjected to._

(No image.)

**22 Comments- **_**View**_

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**BusinessGossip. ie- Updated 5 hours ago. (27th of March)**

**Fowl Engaged?!**

_So, we're afraid news on famed Dublin businessman Artemis Fowl has been few and far between these past few months, but rest assured, we have found a new story- is Arty engaged? He was recently seen at a conference to try and stop invasive species wearing what appeared to be an engagement ring. His girlfriend- nicknamed 'The Fowl Fairy (TFF) by the Internet- was spotted in Limerick wearing a similar ring._

(No image.)

**78 Comments- _Open_**

**LolaKitten: **Heh, never thought I'd see the day. I always assumed he was gay.

**5 Hours Ago  
**

**Allison_Power: **IKR? I mean, there was that thing with paradizo i guess but this is more believeable somehow.

**5 Hours Ago**

**PonyBoy: **This website is dumb. We all know it's just a rumour. And you spelled 'believable' wrong.

**5 Hours ago**

**Allison_Power: **'its a rumor' doesn't make it not true ;P

**5 Hours Ago**

_**PonyBoy has logged off.**_

_**Click to view more comments.**_

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**BusinessGossip. ie- Updated 1 day ago. (30th of May)**

**Fowl Breakup?**

_Artemis Fowl and his mysterious girlfriend have allegedly broken up. The girl was last seen leaving the manor in a state of apparent distress. There are speculations that Fowl had been cheating with his bodyguard, Juliet Butler, who threatened reporters with a "one way ticket to the ER" when asked about the alleged affair of her employers._

(Image of Artemis Fowl standing beside Juliet at the Fowls' Christmas party)

**82 Comments- _View_**

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**BusinessGossip. ie- Updated 34 minutes ago. (14th of November)**

**New Fowl Heir!**

_Artemis Fowl and his alleged girlfriend appear to be back together. Not only that, but there appears to be another Fowl on the way! Fowl and girlfriend- who, in fairness to her, has managed to remain anonymous for_ over a year_\- also appear to be married. They were spotted in Dublin Zoo with the younger Fowls Myles and Beckett. Both seemed to have wedding rings, and, more importantly, the new Mrs. Fowl appears to be pregnant! While all the secrecy is annoying (We're a gossip blog, people!), a big congratulations from all here at BusinessGossip._

**94 Comments- _Open_**

**PonyBoy: **Am I the only one unsurprised? Eh, congrats you guys.

**32 Minutes Ago**

**Allison_Power: **dude, u were saying last time that this was a stupid rumor!

**31 Minutes Ago**

**PonyBoy: **It's official now though.

**31 Minutes Ago**

**Allison_Power: **so what, u were like trying to keep it a secret r something?

**30 Minutes Ago**

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**Aw yes. Hopefully it was okay? like most of my ideas, this one came to me the second I was drifting off to sleep, so I had to get up and write it down. (Does this happen to anyone else?) And for those curious about LolaKitten and Allison_Power, they were pretty much the first usernames I could think of. And we all know who PonyBoy was ;)**

**For those who also happen to be on the Avengers, Avengers/Percy Jackson crossover fandoms, I will be updating '150 Ways to Annoy the Hell out of Captain America' probably on Monday/Tuesday, and doing the sequel to 'First Impressions' after that.**


	8. Bathroom Break

**I'm baaaaaaaack! Was I missed? (Apparently not, judging by my review count of the last chapter.) Seriously, where'd you all go? Don't be put off by my crappy first chapters! But anyway, complaining about not getting reviews is probably not the best way to get reviews. **

**Ah well. Anyway, this was inspired by a book I read the other day, in which the main character got OCD, and a fanfiction in which two Hetalia characters got locked in a bathroom together during a college party.**

**So anyway, this is a highschool/college AU in which Artemis is that weird, compulsive kid with OCD and Holly is that girl with very embarrassing friends.**

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Holly Short had never been the partying type. She was usually too busy working or studying to even speak to other people. In fact, her only friends were Foaly, one of the technology geeks, Mulch Diggums, a dwarf with kleptomania and a gas problem, and the rather... Strange twelve-year-old who lived next door to her and preferred that everybody called him No1.

It was almost depressing. And entirely their fault that they were here. It had started when Mulch casually mentioned the party Leon Abbott was having that evening. Apparently, everybody with half a brain would be there. ("Not surprised you're going, then, Mulch.") Foaly had snarked along with her, but had experienced a very sudden change of heart when he learned Caballine would be there. Which left Holly on her own. It had only been Mulch's threat to steal everything she held dear and Foaly saying he would hack all her technology that had convinced her. She knew they were _unlikely _to do it, but they were easily capable.

And so here she was. Foaly had disappeared with Caballine minutes earlier, and Mulch was doing a mentally scarring dance to 'Anaconda'. So it was just her, nursing a glass of cranberry juice, regretting the whole thing. It was about that time that she heard her name called. "Holly? Holly! Remember me?" Chix Verbil. Holly remembered him from secondary school. He was training to be a pilot and thought he was God's gift to women. And he was making a beeline for her. "It's been a long time, Hols." He was leaning against the wall beside her now, wearing what he thought was a seductive face. Holly mentally went through a list of excuses she could use.

"Erm, yeah, nice to see you, Chix. Look, I need to use the bathroom, so if you could mind my drink?" And without waiting for an answer, she shoved her drink at him. Shoving aside a few kissing couples and drunk twerkers, she made her way upstairs to where the bathroom hopefully was.

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Artemis watched as his blood filled the sink. He reached up to the lamp above the mirror. On, off. On, off. And so on, five times. _If I can complete it five times, I'll be okay. Domovoi will find me. He'll... Take me back to the Clinic. _Artemis sighed, resting his forehead against the surface of the mirror, then recoiled as he realized how many germs were probably on it. He stared down at his hands. He had arrived at the party maybe two hours ago. He had been so confident. He was down to the minimum dose of medication. He was only washing his hands once after using the bathroom and before eating. He'd managed to touch a kitchen sink- a _kitchen sink, _did people _know _how many bacteria were on those things?- and eat a sandwich afterwards.

But it seemed he still wasn't able to attend a party. For goodness' sake, every normal teenage could do that. And it had been fine for the first hour. Then Dom had noticed his sister. He'd disappeared for a few minutes, the reappeared practically carrying her as she mumbled about wresting and trolls. "Artemis, I'm taking her home. Do you want to come, or will you be okay here?"

He'd shaken his head. This was it. He would prove he had recovered. He would stay at this party. He wouldn't think of the germs multiplying in the air as people breathed. He wouldn't think of the fact that it was flu season. Without realizing it, he started tapping his leg. Once for each finger. _One, two, three, four, five. _He instantly felt better. Five was good. Five was lucky. "I will be fine, Domovoi."

But the thought had just gotten worse. After half an hour, all he could think was _nononoIhavetogetout, I'll get sick. I need to be clean. _He almost retched as he smelled the alcohol, felt a million bodies colliding with his. Odds were, at least one was infected with swine flu.

He thought back to his long sessions with Dr. Argon. _OCD is when somebody has repeated, compulsive thoughts. The rituals are your brain trying to deal with the anxiety these thoughts bring. Now- your file says it's a fear of bacteria and an obsession with the number five. What we're going to do, Artemis, is slowly expose you to things you think are contaminated- say, shaking hands without immediately washing afterwards. We'll also be putting you on meds. Now, what I want you to do..._

He'd gone through the therapy. Four years of it. He could make it through this party. Some rather short person with an unusually long beard drunkenly staggered past him before throwing up into a plant pot to his left. The smell hit him almost instantly. He gagged.

_I can't get through this party._

He sprinted upstairs to the bathroom, and for the first time in four years, he was sick. _Nonononononono I can't be sick. _But he was and there was nothing he could do. He shut his eyes. Breathe in for three seconds. Out for five. Just like Dr. Argon had taught him to. Then he walked over to the sink. He knew he shouldn't do this, but... It would make him feel better.

And so he washed his hands until the skin cracked. The blood dripped into the sink, turning the water a weak red, but he didn't care. It was about then that the short redhead burst in. He turned around, stuffing his hands into his pockets. She looked at him suspiciously. "Uhm... Hey."

He nodded slightly. "Hello."

"Er..." It was painfully awkward. Holly bit down on her lip, searching for something to say. The boy clearly wasn't drunk. He also didn't appear to be leaving the bathroom any time soon. "Why are you in here?" It sounded a bit forward, she knew that, but there wasn't much else to say. She sat down on the edge of the bathtub. "I mean, you seem sober..."

You'd have thought she had asked what colour underwear he had on, judging by the look he gave her. "You don't need to know. Why are _you _here?"

He didn't like telling people about his OCD if he could avoid it. The reactions were always the same: awkward sympathy, while trying to pretend they weren't trying to get away from this nutter as fast as possible. He was used to it.

The redheaded girl shrugged.

"I was trying to get away from an old classmate."

"Ah."

"Yeah... I'm Holly, by the way."

"I'm Artemis." He walked over and gingerly sat himself beside her on the bathtub. She pulled a pad of post-it notes and a pen from her pocket.

"Well, we may be here for a while, so... Noughts and crosses?"

"Alright then."

Five rounds later, he'd won all of them, turning away from her when it was his turn to hide his hands. She raised her eyebrows. "What are you, some sort of genius?"

"Something like that." He handed her back her pen. She was good at the game. He was just better. Now he thought about it, he enjoyed playing with her. It was nice to be treated somewhat normally.

"What happened to your _hands_?"

_Shoot_. "I... have Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder."

"Oh... That makes your hands bleed?"

"No, I just... Wash them a lot. It's not important. I'm in behavioral therapy." _Great. Behavioral therapy. Now she'll think you're crazy. _

She just nodded. "Well, I can tell you don't like to talk about it. Look, I need to get my friends, it's getting late."

Artemis nodded. She'd been scared off. Understandable, predictable. "Goodbye."

He watched as she scribbled furiously on her notepad. She peeled off one of the post-its and handed it to him. Scrawled across it was a number.

"This is my number. So you can, uh, call me." She almost slapped herself. God, she sounded like an idiot. But he took it and pocketed it.

"Thank you. I shall see you soon, then?" She grinned.

"Bye."

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**Lame ending was lame.**


	9. The Diary of Mulch

**I'm gonna be totally honest: I'm only updating because I don't want to abandon another fic. I'm honestly quite attached to this one too. I realize nobody reads it. Which is also why I'm okay with writing crap. But if you are reading, thank you. Thank you so much. The people who have reviewed are freaking awesome.**

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The Diary Of Mulch

Monday:

Snuck into Fowl's kitchen. Ate pickled onion, various meats, leftover spaghetti carbonara, _very _nice soil from Mrs. Fowl's potted plants, and then Juliet came in and hit me with a frying pan. It was fun while it lasted.

Tuesday:

Uneventful. Nearly got arrested. Luckily, I managed to gas the LEP rookies they'd sent to catch me. I didn't even steal too much. Just some of the Bank of the People's gold. Ah well. They'd be luck to catch me. Still, I think I'll lay low for a while.

Wednesday:

Met up with Doodah in a pub today. It was just like old times, with us drinking, joking, etc. And maybe I bragged publicly about my previous robbery in public. Which is why I'm writing this in a LEP jail cell. Like I said: Just like old times.

Thursday:

I'd forgotten how boring LEP jail cells were. Dammit.

LATER

Got bailed out by Doodah. Seriously, I love this man.

Friday:

Got invited to Fowl and Short's wedding, on the condition that I don't touch the cake. Good luck with that one. Still, can't say I'm not happy for them.

Saturday:

This freaking cat keeps following me everywhere. _Everywhere. _It managed to get into the cave I'm currently living in, and keeps crawling back in when I kick it out. Then again, the Irish weather is really wet at the moment. There are drips coming in through the ceiling. Maybe I'll let the cat stay for a bit. It seems wet.

Sunday:

Looks like I got myself a cat. Maybe I can train it to rob gold.

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**Not very detailed, I know. But this is exactly what all my diary entries look like, I don't know about the rest of you.**


	10. The Diary of Mulch: Part Two

**Hello... It's me... So, today's prompt comes from a webcomic I recently started, Goodbye Chains. The quote is this: **

**"She stole my wallet, made me pay for everything, and I _still _love her!" (Well. Him. Because Mulch/Doodah is a thing of underappreciated fabulousness. Although feel free to take it platonically.)**

**Happy Valentine's Day, folks, belated as it is.**

**(Heh, heh, just skimmed this fic on my phone. Jesus, It's bad. Really bad. But I still intend to stick around until chapter 20 because I don't like abandoned fics, and I will then complete it and never speak of it again.**

**No, wait, chapter 8 was good. I'm proud of chapter 8. The rest is still crap, though.)**

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The Diary of Mulch - Part Two

Monday:

I swear Doodah's taken my wallet. He insists I just lost it, but I don't _lose _things willy-nilly. And maybe it _is_ because I ate his fish, but the little bugger had it coming. Kept giving me dirty looks.

Tuesday:

**I liked that fish. And he did lose that wallet.**

**-Doodah**

Wednesday:

Alright, so I got back my wallet and diary after Doodah made me pay for a new fish. And of course he set his heart on the €27 red-and-blue thing when he'd had a €2.50 goldfish before. Little bastard.

Thursday:

His new fish keeps giving me dirty looks too. I may take my cat next time I'm in his flat.

Friday:

As it turns out, he's allergic to cats. Still, all was forgiven after a few pints. That there is the mark of a good friendship.

Saturday:

**Love you too**

**-D**

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**Ta daah? Reviews are cool. (Come on, it's my birthday!)**


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